The Fall

19 May 2015: Exactly a year ago, she had it. My grandmother (Amma as she was known) had a fall that fractured her leg. It wasn’t only a fall for her health but also the one that would become an indirect cause of her demise. It was also my fall to the depths of no return.

I was working from home as had been for more than 16 months. The summers of Ahmedabad are dry and daunting, so the king sized bed in the only air-conditioned room not only called for an afternoon siesta for the working ladies of the house but also featured as my work desk. My mother always takes a nap after lunch whereas Amma was always up to something, be it sewing, reading spiritual books or taking a nap sometimes. Summer afternoons always beckoned for rest. So after the lunch (possibly featuring her favourite Tota aam and some chhaas), it was time for me to look over the two lovely ladies of my life grab some rest.

Amma was healthy and despite her age of 86, very, very active. Her iron-will is what will motivate me for years and is the one that I will fail to have, ever. She went to fetch her pillow while Maa had already hit the bed. And then we heard it. A thud followed by a loud shriek. Amma had slipped on the unusually wet floor (possibly after the mopping). I quickly ran towards her. She couldn’t stand.With the help of our neighbours, we managed to get her up to the bed. Quickly I dialed the nearest local doctor. Since it was afternoon, most doctors too, it seems, like to take have some siesta. I knew it was a case for an orthopaedic, so I contacted the one we know. He’d return at 5 in the evening unless there was an emergency translating into double the fees. I contacted my father. Money was not an issue but somehow we decided to wait for the evening. The worst decision of my life. Not that the delay led to her passing away; she was well operated that evening and resumed to normalcy. But the moments leading up to the time, she was writhing in agony.

I tried to resume my work but couldn’t give it the attention. Soon at the time, we got to the hospital thanks to the Dial 108 emergency vehicle. Just when we were getting her on stretcher, she mentioned that this is the last time she sees the home. I was with her in the EMV. And consoled her that we would soon make an abroad trip. Dubai wasn’t expensive (and she really wanted to go there) and she has her daughter staying there. Her other grandson stays in Jamaica and I mentioned it to her that Indians don’t need a visa there. But most excited she was for Barcelona. Yes, we had plans for that too. Her daughter number 4 resides there.

I held her hand in the EMV through the entire journey of 10 minutes. I talked to her, consoled her, kissed her that she would bounce back. After all, she had done it a few years ago for the same kind of fracture in a different leg. But this time, it seemed that she lacked her motivation. Her iron-will had melted. She will never make a trip Dubai, Jamaica, Barcelona, or even her own home. I was never able to tell her that I will make a move to Singapore and she has no need to rely on anyone else for the abroad trip.Her fall took me deeper into the abyss of worthlessness and lower self-confidence. I became more depressed, had more regrets, dwindling concentration and poor work-performance. Till this day, I wage a battle with myself every day wondering what if. I crave for that one chance with her. But I know I can’t. And that leads to further despair affecting the quality of things that I do. Every day I think of her. Every day I remember her. But this day will be marked as the one when we fell, one physically and the other mentally.